Skepsis #24: Relationship rules
Progress in relationships, language, and artificial intelligence.
How to be a better partner
The keys to successful relationships. An insightful article with both experience and research-based “rules” for creating and maintaining a healthy, loving and rewarding relationship or marriage. Whether you’re single and looking for a partner or have been married for 30 years, I think there’s something here for everyone.
I can readily admit to and recognize how many times I have failed to apply these rules in my own (past) relationships. And I can also recognize how when I’ve done things right, it’s been because I applied them (often unknowingly).
Here are some key points that resonated with me:
When choosing a life partner, consider all the roles they will play in your life and to the people you care about (e.g. husband, father, brother-in-law).
Good relationships are built on mutual respect and trust that are nurtured in all the small moments and interactions. (It is the small things, not just the grand gestures, that matter the most.)
Never disparage your partner in public and let go of having to prove them wrong whenever you feel like/know you're right. "Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?"
Consider all the ways in which your partner might want or need different things from yourself. We often take it for granted that our partners need or desire the same things we do without considering their perspective.
Acknowledge all the small calls for attention, recognition and communication. Even when it's about topics you're not interested in.
Quite often, the most important thing we can do is to just listen intently and carefully, with all of our empathy. Listening is about hearing what the other person is saying and meaning, not listening in order to generate a response.
You partner should be an intellectual sparring partner. Discuss ideas and interests, learn about new things together.
Approach arguments like a negotiation, figure out what it is the other person wants and distance yourself from your emotions. Be curious.
Always err on the side of honesty and transparency. Don't avoid the hard conversations out of fear of what might happen.
Keep a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions. Even the small, mundane or seemingly trivial interactions matter. Like a nod or a small gesture of appreciation.
Your partner cannot make you happy. (Don't expect them to solve your problems for you.)
Do regular performance reviews on your relationship together with your partner. Approach improving your relationship as seriously as you approach improving yourself, your skills or your work(place).
Relationships and marriage, much like everything else, are skills that can be practiced and improved. (Most people are not born great partners.)
Take more walks together.
Great marriages are also great friendships.
“If you do nothing to make things get better in your marriage but do not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time.”
Interesting things I've come across
The future is now - new improvements in AI.
Research firm and algorithm developer OpenAI recently launched GPT-3, which is a text-based Machine Learning Algorithm that is able to produce extremely accurate and understandable text based on just a few examples or input. It's quite literally like you have a smart assistant that you can tell a few keywords and GPT-3 will produce a fully understandable, human-sounding and accurate email based on your input.
More on GPT-3 and machine learning in this article: What is GPT-3?.
An example:
Steven Pinker on what it means to speak and write well in modern times.
And why a lot of what you’ve been taught about writing is probably gibberish.
Everything is amazing and nobody is happy
Comedians are often the best people to point out the absurdities of our own times.
Woke people vs racists.
This is really funny, but also reveals something quite profound. The extremes on either sides of the spectrum will surprisingly often agree on many things but have arrived there for different reasons. And if there's one thing that reliably unites the far left and the far right it is their shared hatred for Jews.
As always - stay safe out there,
/Phil
Regarding the main topic, relationship. I do agree with all the points. But I also have an additional one: both partners have to do it. If you the only one actually trying all of it, and your partner doesn’t - it will fail in the end.